Oh No, Not Another Uphill Ahead...

Make: Hyundai

Model: Elantra

Lowdown: One of the most underpowered cars I have ever had the pleasure of driving, the Elantra isn't a car you'd choose if you wanted to get anywhere on time. Oh yes, Hyundai claims it may have 33mpg on the highway, but in order to actually GET anywhere on the highway, you'd be flooring it constantly, cutting your mileage way down. And anyways, anyone who actually took this car on the highway would be crazy. "Honey, can you pass this guy? He keeps staring at me and winking." "No, sorry babe, I can't. We took the Elantra, remember?" "Oh dear..." To put it simply, the anemic 138 hp engine is just not large enough to move 2900 lbs of car anywhere soon. At least you'll be safe in a crash, because you won't be able to get up to speed enough to have a dangerous crash at all.

Verdict: Fugly!

You Know What They Say: A Small Car Means A Small...

Make: Mini

Model: Cooper

Lowdown: The Mini Cooper is one of the most influential cars that made engineers stop focusing on more power and start focusing on less weight. With an anemic 118 HP engine, it would seem like the cooper would be lacking in speed, but it's not. Coming in at around 2500 lbs, the little packet of energy has plenty of kick. The base model will get you to 60 in 8.5 seconds, whereas the S model will take you there in 6.5 -- not bad for a 172 HP engine. And, considering the base model comes in under $19k, it's not a bad bang for the buck. The only problem is when that Hummer in the lane next to you on the freeway decides it wants to come over and join you...

Verdict: Fast!

Hurry Honey, RUN!

Make: Chevy

Model: HHR

Lowdown: If I were trying to design the woody of the present, I would have at least put some wood on it, just sayin'. This, "passenger automobile" looks more like a schnauzer's face than anything people with dignity should ever be seen in. The bulbous front fenders remind me of my grandfather's armchair, not of hitting the beach. No, you have to pay $465 for a roof rack if you want to do that. One semi-mediocre thing about this car is that you can have a 260 HP engine put in as an option, which will at least get you out of the way of other people on the highway, or help you get away faster when the fashionistas start laughing at you. The HHR is also available in a rapist-van version with the back windows paneled up, if the extra privacy is worth $310.

Verdict: Fugly!

The Fastest of the Fugly

Make: Gumpert

Model: Apollo

Lowdown: Although the looks of this car could leave you wanting more, the way in which this beast handles will leave your face (which will be ripped off sideways) asking for less. The engineers of this car are so intent on getting every detail perfect that they won't even let you move your seat forward or backward, because that will mess with their perfect weight distribution. And although almost every part of this car is adjustable -- the brakes, the suspension, the traction control -- you're best to just leave it alone. The folks at Gumpert (Ugh, what a name!) probably know the best configuration, as this car is unbeatable around a track. The Apollo is also available in three trim levels: Crazy, Mad, and Psychotic at 650, 700, and 800 HP, respectively. With that much power on tap, it probably doesn't really matter what it looks like, as the Apollo will be able to get away from any criticism before it's even been said.

Verdict: Fast!

Scaffolding never went this fast.

Make: Ariel

Model: Atom

Lowdown: Originally conceived as part of a design project by a Coventry University student, this machine is a great piece of engineering. Powered by a 300 hp supercharged Honda engine, the ultralight Atom surges from a standstill to sixty in 2.7 seconds. That's almost as fast as a Bugatti Veyron, which will do so in 2.5 seconds. The Atom may look like a bunch of scaffolding with two seats and an engine strapped on the back -- which won't win much points from the ladies -- but that simplicity is what makes this little monster so good on the road. Also, a base price of $65k for the US version makes face-ripping acceleration and cornering affordable to us all. If you need help convincing the spouse, the second seat can be used to carry groceries, so running errands will become something you'll be begging to do.

Verdict: Fast!

4.7 seconds for $24k

Make: Subaru

Model: Impreza WRX

Lowdown: Heres one example of where racing experience really translates into increased performance on the road. The flat-four turbocharged power plant in this rally driver's dream produces plenty of pull when you put the pedal to the metal. Now what does that mean for us? When that streetrace moves from simply dragging greens to something a little more intense -- The Fast and the Furious, anyone? -- you'll be able to hang with the best of them. All-wheel-drive brings you all the grip you could ever ask for and delivers 0-60 times around 4.7 seconds. That's rediculously fast. A $130k Mercedes sl63 amg does it in 4.5 seconds. The Subaru costs $24k. Wow.

Verdict: Fast!

A little too "everyday"

Make: Toyota

Model: Camry

Lowdown: The fact that it's the best-selling car in America isn't a testiment to its greatness, or it's value for the money, it's just an indicator that it's the most, well - ordinary - car in America. The Camry is at the epitome of unoriginality. It's not special in any way, it's just a car. Now lets apply some simple logic: The Toyota Camry is the most popular car in America. Most American drivers are horrible drivers. Ipso facto, most Camry drivers are horrible drivers. Especially the champagne colored Camry drivers (the car not the people), who always, ALWAYS get in your way. It's not a bad car, unfortunately it's the mediocrity of its owners who have dragged it down where it is now.

Verdict: Fugly!

PT Loser

Make: Chrysler

Model: PT Cruiser

Lowdown: Aparently Chrysler wanted this car to appeal to those from the generation of woodies, the Beach Boys, and really short swim trunks. Unfortunately, all they really sold it to is people who like to go slowly in the left lane. As a result, traffic jams are on the rise, fuel consumption is up, car exhaust pollution is up, and global warming has increased. Thanks, Chrysler PT Cruiser drivers, for destroying our planet.

Verdict: Fugly!

Not so Smart.

Make: Smart Car

Model: Fortwo

Lowdown: This car represents everything you don't want in a car. Fake roof? Check. Tires skinnier than my mountain bike? Check. 71 HP? Yep, we got that too. I mean seriously, this car may have a purpose in downtown London, but in places like Southern California, all it takes is for a Hummer driver to get angry, and then let's hope you have good insurance.

Verdict: Fugly!

The epitome of greatness.

Make: Ferrari

Model: F430

Lowdown: I just plain love this car. According to Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear, everything about it is just, "perfect." Built to thrive on windy back country roads, there's a reason this machine is the most popular with lottery winners. Carrying the Ferrari racing pedigree, this isn't just a wild car built for a crazy purpose. Every bit of the f430 was carefully engineered to create the ultimate sports car. The only question now is, are you going to go for the $30,000 carbon ceramic brake option?

Verdict: Fast!